For the last couple of days I have been in a weird mood. I’ve been wondering what is going on with me and I couldn’t really quite pinpoint it. Today marks the day that my life took a very different turn than unexpected two years ago. I thought I had found my family with a young boy, at the age of six and a baby to be expected in the summer. I remember like it was yesterday. I was feeling a little uncomfortable and had some light spotting. I knew something was not right. The midwife told me just to rest and that we would have to wait and see. In the early evening hours I started feeling a lot of cramping pain and went to the bathroom to miscarry the baby into the toilet. I immediately knew what had happened and started crying, mourning the loss of the unborn child. We hurried it in the yard and it didn’t feel right. Just a few hours later I found out that I had to leave the family without being able to say goodbye to the little boy. The next day I packed my belongings and left. Before I had to leave, we retrieved the fetus from the soil and took it to the Sebastian River. I felt crushed. I felt like my purpose was gone. I had no place to belong and no child to love. Every time I felt like there was no way out. I was able to call my family and friends. Somebody was always there to listen to me cry, feeling destroyed, and hopeless. I took some time for me to regain perspective.
My friends Sabine and Mihai in St. Augustine welcomed me back into their house and helped me to feel shelter during my recovery.
I started to tend to myself in the most loving and kind way. I listen to my heart and gave myself what I needed. With the help of endless walks at the beach, bicycle rides, Acupuncture and horses, I started to see the word for clearly again. I have no idea where I wanted to be or go. I decided that I was not going to run away that I was going to face my fears. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just lost the baby and there was nothing I could’ve done. It was not my fault. It was not my fault. I felt so broken, so unworthy, abandoned, so lost. For months after I felt anxious about my cycle, every time I bled it reminded me of the loss that I had experienced. In stillness, silence, and nature I was able to let my heart and soul rest and recover.
I started to listen more to my hearts deepest desires and did things that felt good to do for myself. I have always been into horses, grew up with them and seemed their closeness even while living in NYC. I did a few rides around St Augustine and met some amazing horse girls who I can now call friends. I started helping to take care of a mare for a friend and deepened my work with horses with a few massage trainings. It started to engine a new fire inside of my that I had lost. It gave me new purpose and perspective.
I knew I need to find a place to final settle. A place that I can call my own to create a sanctuary for myself and others. I needed to find a place that I could finally call home. I have been thinking about how long it has been since I really felt at home. It has probably been since my childhood.
A couple of months later, my friend Lauren asked me to look at a horse with her and I fell in love with a Shire/ Quarter Horse mare who I gifted myself for my birthday and as a baby replacement. She had a foal on her side, named Hazel, who I purchased not too long after.
Magen and Dane were kind enough to take them in and let me take care of them at their place in Middleburg. Our friendship grew tremendously and I’m so lucky to be able to call them my family.
And then the day came, where I was able to fulfill my childhoods dream. My own farm for me and my 4 legged family. It took a while to get things ready and it was not an easy time, but with the help of many friends I got the property to the point where I was able to have my horses at home. You can’t imagine how amazing it is to be able to wake up at night or get up in the morning and to look outside to see them in the pasture.
As hard the day may be, they always bring light to my heart. Now, two years later, I still carry a lot of grief in my heart. I’m grateful for my animals to be there for me and to hold space for me. They allow me to grief and I can feel their love and affection. It is that healing touch of the horses that makes every little girl fall in love with them. They make things look a little brighter.
I have been asked before why I’m not over the miscarriage?! Is that something you can so easily forget? I don’t think so. It’s a big part that is missing. There is a void in my heart and so much love to give to the baby that can’t be given. There will always be love for it, and I will always miss this part of myself. I have learned to pour my love into my animals and into my farm. Making it a place of my dreams, a place where I can find serenity and peace. A place of healing for myself and others.
Years ago I made it my mission to help others. I have learned that I can’t help others, if I feel broken. Now give to myself, and have much more energy to give to others.
The mission of Saskia Farms is to give you and myself a place to retreat, for shelter, a place where you can just be, a place of serenity and peace, a sanctuary for healing, a place where you will be welcomed with warmth, kindness, and without judgement.
It took me to get to the lowest point of my life to finally have the courage to live my life the way I have always dreamt of living it. A happy life that I have created for myself.
Happiness is not going to come to you! You have to create your own happiness. Your dreams don’t just come true. You have to make your dreams come true and put your love and passion into them.
And even if it will require hard work, patience and time, you will get there. You are in control and not alone.
Take your time to process your emotions, your feelings, and thoughts. Take your time to grief. Grief death, grief change, grief old chapters of your life. Take your time to be still.
Happy New Year and follow your dreams!